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IN THE GREAT RACE TO PROVIDE YOU, THE RYANSPAGE USER, WITH THE BESTEST AND NEWEST THAT THERE IS TO OFFER WE HAVE COLLECTED A NUMEROUS AMOUNT OF FUNNY SAYINGS, JOKES AND QUOTES JACK HANDY: One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is if was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car. One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
	A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
BLONDE JOKES: A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.
	Yo Mamma's: So fat she has more "chins" than a Chinese phone book So fat that her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." So fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. So fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.

	DIFFERENT WAYS TO SAY ''You're Stupid'': A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. A few beers short of a six-pack. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off her cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter.
READNECK DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION Last name: ________________ First name (check appropriate box): [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth-Ann Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________ Lover's Name: ____________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed Model of your pickup: _____________ and year: 194__ Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap World [_] Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know